Last night, I was watching an episode of Catfish that I recorded. (Yes, I watch that show and find it interesting and a great place for story inspiration. But I digress…)
In the episode, there was a woman who had been talking to a guy she met on Facebook for three years, and yet they had never video-chatted or met in person. A year and a half prior, she had called off her wedding because she said she realized she had been “ignoring red flags for a long time and was done with it.”
She then went on and explained to Nev about this guy she’d been talking to for three years, and how, after her engagement ended, she started to develop feelings for him and him for her. She was totally in love with him and wanted to be together IRL.
But she hadn’t ever video-chatted or met the guy in person. And any time they tried to do either of those things, he “had car trouble” and it didn’t end up working out.
Red flags all over the place to anyone outside of the situation.
Clearly.
But not for her.
She hadn’t seen any red flags, not even when she drove 10 hours to meet him at a mudder event (yes, that’s a thing) and his “truck broke down on the way there” and he couldn’t make it. To her, it was all true. She didn’t question it or wonder.
Until another year and a half later, when this was still going on.
At that moment, she got super clear on her relationship pattern: she ignored red flags, even when they presented themselves early on.
Finally recognizing the pattern, she brought Nev and his Catfish team in to help her figure out what was really going on with this guy. (She ended up finding out it actually was all true; the guy was real and they’re still together. A rarity in the Catfish world.)
Relationship patterns–we all have them. But unless they’re productive patterns that actually align with what you desire to have, they’re destructive patterns that keep it away from you.
Here’s another example of a relationship pattern. Or, in my case, a between-relationships pattern.
After my divorce went down last year, I immediately began reconnecting with this guy I’ve known since college. We dated for a couple of months when I was 22, and then it turned into a friends-with-benefits situation that became my between-relationships pattern.
Except I hadn’t realized that until a few months after my divorce.
I met up with my friend a couple of times, and I noticed that I had those old feelings coming up again. (I’d argue those feelings never really went away, just got suppressed due to me being married.) The problem with those old feelings, in my case, is that it was mostly one-sided.
He was totally down with us being friends and hook-up buddies, but that’s it. Whereas, I was OK with it to a certain point but also wanted more.
Except more wasn’t going to happen.
So unless I recognized this pattern and put a stop to it, I was doomed to just keep repeating it. And I knew this pattern would also be a block to me receiving the kind of guy and relationship I actually wanted.
So I mentally and energetically put a stop to it. By finally admitting the truth to myself.
The real truth.
The whole truth and nothing but the truth.
And that truth was: he’s just not that into me. And he never has been. And that’s OK.
The problem only comes in when you refuse to see that truth for yourself and let the person go in that way.
I had that problem for far too long. I didn’t want to let him go in that way. I wanted to keep holding out hope that someday things would be different.
But things will never be different. And I had to finally be honest with myself about that if I wanted to receive the kind of guy and relationship I really wanted (and that I now have).
And that’s exactly what I did.
I let him go in that way. I realized there are some people who you can love and care about and want good things for, but can’t be with because doing so would degrade your self-worth.
There was just something about him and our dynamic that always made me feel not good enough. Like I didn’t measure up, like I wasn’t worthy.
No offense to him at all. He’s a good guy and it’s not his fault how I used to feel. That was on me.
So I put an end to my between-relationships pattern.
I made a decision that it was OK that he wasn’t into me in that way. But that it wasn’t OK for me to continue this pattern.
And by choosing to continue it, I would’ve been continuing to claim that I wasn’t good enough or worthy of having the kind of guy and relationship I desired.
The worthy, good enough version of me wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t allow herself to continue on in a situation or pattern that degraded her self-worth, even if it was all in her head.
At the end of the day, it’s always about how something or someone makes you feel, even if it’s not being done intentionally.
I now get to have the kind of guy and relationship I desire, because I released that old relationship pattern, and claimed something better for myself.
If you don’t feel 100% worthy and good enough to have the kind of person and relationship you desire, then you’re operating from a pattern and an inner-story that is limiting what’s possible for you in your relationships and in your life.
Break the patterns that keep you from receiving what you really want. Tell the story of your life the way you actually want it to be.
Know your worth. Own your worth. Stop doing things that degrade it in any way, shape, or form.
And for fuck’s sake, start acting like it.
