This was my relationship story for most of my life: I don’t get to have the guy I really want.
It started in fifth grade. I had a huge crush on this guy in my class, but he didn’t like me back. My 10-year-old self made that mean I wasn’t good enough or worthy of having the guy I want.
That continued to be my story, all through middle school, high school, college, and then into my early 20s.
Anytime I liked or had a crush on a guy, he never felt the same way. Or, if he did, it was always temporary and then he would ditch me for someone else.
I told myself it was because I wasn’t good enough to have the guy I really wanted. So instead, I dated my guy friends. These were people I knew, was friends with, had things in common with, and who liked me back.
The pattern went something like this:
- Meet a guy I really like
- Guy I really like either doesn’t like me back or likes me back temporarily and then breaks up with me for another girl
- I remind myself I’m not good enough to have the guy I really want
- I date one of my guy friends until we break up
- Repeat from the topOver
Over and over again, this was my experience. Until the experience of all experiences happened–I fell in love with a Marine in my early 20s. He was a couple of years younger than me, but we hit it off right away.
Things between us were so good. We got along, we liked the same stuff, we had a lot in common, we vibed, we had deep convos, we connected on a level I never had before. He introduced me to his friends, a few of whom I also vibed with and we became friends too.
Problem was, I still hadn’t dealt with my not-good-enough-I-feel-unworthy baggage, so the same pattern played out yet again.
Me and this guy dated for a few months. Things were amazing, and then he ditched me for another girl.
So I did what I always did: I dated one of my guy friends (who also happened to be this guy’s former roommate).
Except this time, I had fallen into a dark hole of unworthiness. I had been so blindly in love with that other guy, and he had hurt me so deeply, I finally accepted that I wasn’t good enough to have the guy I really wanted.
And I ended up dating my guy friend for almost five years, and then we got married and were together for another almost-eight years.
I had totally lost touch with my worthiness and I didn’t think I deserved anything better.
Don’t get me wrong–my ex-husband is a good friend and someone who I love and care about as a person, but we were never really right for each other. We bonded over our shared pain (we were both going through breakups when we got together), and the surface-level things we both enjoyed, like music.
But that’s not the kind of bonding that leads to a dream relationship.
For such a long time, I really believed that story about myself–that I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough to have the kind of guy and relationship I actually wanted. I also didn’t really know who I was at that point in my life and didn’t figure it out until a couple of years before my divorce went down.
After my divorce, I knew it was time to clean that shit up. I knew that if I ever wanted to be fully happy in a relationship, it had to start with me.
I had to become the version of myself who felt worthy and good enough, and who knew I got to have whatever that fuck I wanted in life, including a dream relationship.
And that’s what I did. I did the hard work. The inner work. The stuff most people avoid because it’s too scary and potentially traumatic to deal with.
I faced into my BS stories and I dealt with my childhood traumas, and I created a new story for myself and my life.
So when my now-boyfriend showed up, I knew I had shifted things internally in a big way. This time around, it felt different, and I knew it was going to be different.
But that didn’t mean the old pattern wasn’t right there, trying to persuade me into thinking our situation was just going to be more of the same.
During the first couple of weeks of our relationship, I had to keep reminding myself that it was allowed to be this easy, to feel this good, to be this good, and for it to last. I had to remind myself over and over again that I was deserving of a guy and a relationship like this. I had to remind myself of all the inner work I’d done, and all the limiting beliefs I’d released and inner-stories I’d rewritten to get to that point.
This was my reward for doing the real work… I now got to have the most incredible guy and relationship I’ve ever had.
But it started with me first. With me making the inner work a priority. With me deciding that I am worthy and good enough for any guy I want. With me acting as if I believed that until I actually did.
And I know for an absolute fact it never would’ve happened otherwise.
Where in your life or relationship are you not claiming your worthiness? Just a little something to think about.
Dream life or bust,